Thought the day would never come when we actually made an update? Neither did we. But the time has come! The People’s Republic of Caps is on a major winningish streak right now, winning six games in a row, leading the Eastern Conference and the New Jersey Douches by three points (side note: you go to hell and you die, New Jersey Draftee Patrice Cormier) and maintaining a solid number three spot in the league. Furthermore, we kicked Pittsburgh’s ass 6-3 in what is currently the most important game of the season, despite Threeormore letting in one of the softest goals in hockey.

Combined with Hershey absolutely dominating the AHL, to the point where it’s almost pointless for other teams to even consider playing them, we at Caps Blahg are enjoying ourselves a great deal. But we aren’t resting on our laurels for even a second, despite the fact that our inability to update more often suggests otherwise. The Caps are playing the New York Failanders this Tuesday the 26th, and there’s a strong possibility that this will be the game where we blow our winning streak. They’re terrible, and we’re on an upswing, which leads negative nancies like us to assume that the Caps will play down at  the level of the Islanders and lose. This would ruin the team’s glorious momentum and, indeed, the whole week.

If you’re not doing anything around 7 PM Tuesday evening, be sure to tune in to the game and the commentary. We only have 14 non-Olympic broadcasts until the playoffs, so time is running out to hear the most-informed and drunkest Caps commentary there is.

We seriously need to update this thing more often. The reasons why we don’t are sad and mysterious, like the reasons behind Karl Alzner being moved back down to Hershey. Although we love Hershey and their ridiculous winning streaks, we need the good defensemen on the Caps, so they can maybe do things like prevent the other team from scoring, something that proved to be extremely difficult during their tour of the west coast. I suppose we can’t blame the Caps for sucking on that trip, though. The thick stench of cheap weed, known to west-coasters as “regular air”, can overwhelm anyone who isn’t conditioned to handle it.  Furthermore, there are things to be considered that are more important than a mere three-game losing streak.

1. Semin, Sloan and Steckel all get contract extensions.

Semin, the greatest inconsistent player in the NHL, got a one-year extension. He then demonstrated that he might be worth it by scoring two goals for a 4-2 win over Montreal. With his contract out of the way for now, the team can focus on trying to keep Nicklas Backstrom, who we really, really need to keep. Tyler Sloan somehow got a ten percent raise in his two-year contract despite being a healthy scratch for nine of the past eleven games and being a terrible hockey player.

2. Clark and Jurcina get traded to Columbus for Chimera.

Much to my disappointment, Jason Chimera was not an actual Chimera from mythology. We actually could’ve kept Jurcina to at least have another defensemen and fill out Slovak quota, but losing our Captain Chris Clark was no biggie. Why? Because now we have a new Captain!

3. Ovechkin is now the Captain.

Although he was offered the position in his second year on the team, the Russian superstar said he didn’t have a good enough command of the English language to lead the team. Now he has a slightly better understanding of the language and won his first game as Captain. While this move was good and inevitable, as many other people stated, we at Caps Blahg would have preferred someone more boring temperamental who would allow Ovechkin to remain a wild and crazy guy. In any case, the game against the Atlanta Thrashers, the only other team with a Russian captain, should be a good one, assuming the Caps win and don’t disappoint us.

Wow. This hasn’t been updated in a while. It also hasn’t been updated enough to our liking, but we are going to try our hardest to make some major updates during the winter break. Anyway, a bunch of stuff happened/is happening.

1. NYLANDER IS GONE!

This is possibly the best news we at Caps Blahg have ever heard, or are ever likely to hear. Michael Nylander, affectionately referred to in the Caps Blahg Studio as “Circles” for his constant circling and inability to do anything worthwhile with the puck, has gone through waivers twice and now is a member of the Grand Rapids Griffins. While the Caps will continue to pay his outrageously-high salary, it will not count against the salary cap, so we can bring up some defensemen or pay someone with talent to play hockey for us. The Caps brought up Karl Alzner, a defensive defensemen. Despite the fact that he’s good and we need more people like him on the blue line, he’ll probably get traded. Dammit.

2. Caps won some, lost too many.

Since we last updated, the Caps have gone 5-3, losing to Toronto, Buffalo and Vancouver. However, they absolutely devastated the Flyers 8-2 on December 5th, which was one of our best broadcasts in Caps Blahg history. It’s times like those that make NHL fatcat Gary Bettman regret passing over the Caps in favor of the Flyers for the Winter Classic. Whatever, we’ll get in in a year or two. Rumor has it that the Caps would face off against those asshole New York Rangers in Yankee Stadium next year or the year after, but it’s all diet-coke-fueled speculation at this point, so we can’t say for sure when the Caps will get their moment in the spotlight.

3. This site will be changing.

We at Caps Blahg strive to make this website better than porn. Right now, it’s not pretty and lacks many of the features we (and you) need. Be prepared for some big changes.

we had a profound realization: the Caps are not doing their job as a team and we are not doing our job as commentators. Sure, we’re leading the Southeast Division, but that’s about as tough as helping Daniel blow his money on video games. Why are the Caps unable to hold onto a lead? Why do they apparently love to lose in the second and third periods or even lose in shootouts? We don’t pretend to know fashion trends, but this trend is just obscene and does not help the team or the world of haüte-couture. Similarly, we at Caps Blahg are raking in plenty of fans, but we could always get more. While we aren’t sure of it, there’s a small possibility that there are other hockey-commentary shows on the internet that are much more popular than ours. This will not stand, because we’re the jealous types.

Next semester (it’s hard to believe that two mature and understanding individuals like us are still in college), advertising in the DMV will skyrocket. Feel free to help us in this effort. Soon we will be uploading some posters and shit you can print out cheaply and stick in any areas you feel appropriate. We personally like putting them in bathroom stalls because people need to use them and it gives one something better to read than barely-legible scrawled accusations of who is gay. The season’s going to be going for awhile, so do this for the future. Do this for Ovechkin, our recently suspended superstar. Do this for the Caps. Do this for America.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the past few games, the Caps have not been doing well. We just lost to the Ottawa Cokeheads 4-3 in overtime due to Mike Green’s inability to play defense, even though he’s technically a defenseman. Before that, we lost to the Toronto Maple Leafs, who had one of the worst records in the league prior to that game. The last time we won a game was against the New York Rangers. Clearly, Capszerbaijan is in a deep state of depression. The only thing that can solve this is not losing so much. How can the Caps do this? Good question. We’ll break it down for you as best we can.

1. Get healthy.

Semin, Poti, Morrisonn, Knuble, Laing and Gordon are all injured. While our lack of defense has always been obvious and a terrible drain on the team (We’re looking at you, Mike Green and Jeff Schultz), our healthy offensive line is what keeps us alive. But with so many injuries and our beloved Hershey Bears being robbed of their good players, we don’t have that backup that helps us get more goals than whatever team we happen to be playing. If we don’t start recovering like Wolverine, we might not remain atop the Southeast Division and sort-of on the top of the Eastern Conference. Heal, Caps! HEAL!

2. Get someone who plays defense.

Name a player on the Caps who can play defense well. You can’t do it. Although the Caps will never draft a defenseman who can play defense, we can dream and maybe trade Semin when it becomes too obvious that we need someone who prevents the puck from going in the net. We at Caps Blahg are considering holding the team hostage until we get a legal guarantee that they will draft a player who can play proper defense and doesn’t think he’s a forward. Also, we could use some more cash to keep this organization going. THESE ARE OUR DEMANDS!

Join us on Thursday, December 3rd against those Florida Cubans. Hopefully by then, the Caps will be healed and able to prevent the puck from going in their net.

The Caps, like King Kong before them and like my new super-virus after them, devestated the New York Rangers 4-2 last night, thanks to Ovechkin scoring a goal after being gone for what felt like forever and Matt Bradley scoring the third goal and fighting with Aaron Voros (Who’s that? I don’t know. Some douchebag who wanted to fight with Matt Bradley, apparently). This win puts the Caps in first place in the conference and second in the league behind those douchy San Jose Sharks (seriously, how can a team with so many wins during the season constantly fail to make it far into the playoffs?).

But things are not all good in Capsylvania. Alexander Semin, the greatest inconsistent player ever, has a problem with his right wrist, and missed the game and probably will miss a few more. I can only hope he didn’t injure his wrist the same way I did (the details of which I will not disgust you with). In addition, Mike Knuble is out for around a month with a broken finger, so there goes our ability to score on rebounds. Quintin Laing got hit in the face with a puck and broke his jaw, so he’ll be out a few weeks, but he stopped the shot and that’s what matters. Threeormore had some “family business” in Arlington inexplicably located right next to a brothel, so the Caps called up the ultra-chill Michal Neuvirth from Hershey to fill in. We here at Caps Blahg have been trying to combine Neuvirth and Varlamov’s DNA to produce the ultimate goalie, which is why we need more sponsors/donations. With Varvirth on our team, the concept of scoring against the Washington Capitals will become so abstract to other teams that they will eventually give up trying.

RUMOR MILL!: We heard that Nabokov’s contract will be up by the end of this season. Would the Caps try to get him? Probably not. Still, that’d be awesome.

We won’t be doing a show on Saturday because we’re going to Hershey, PA to see the Hershey Bears for Daniel’s super-expensive birthday blowout bonanaza! It’s going to involve alcohol, a suite, and minor-league hockey, where the fights are often and the fans are ginormus. However, with any luck, we’ll be back on Monday the 23rd against the Ottowa Senators. This isn’t just for DC anymore, this one’s for America, so tune in to hear all the hockey-commentary and Canada-bashing that this side of the Mason-Dixon Line can offer!

Things are looking even worse in the Democratic Republic of the Caps. Alexander Ovechkin, the greatest hockey player in the league and probably soon to be the best ever, has some sort of upper-body injury, hopefully not the European kind. Mike Green got injured in the 4-1 win over the Florida Panthers (why a species with only about 100 remaining specimens is allowed to play hockey has confused us for quite some time), Boyd Gordon is out, and how the team will manage to function without the grace and talent of Jeff Shultz is a mystery. The Caps beat the Panthers again 7-4 at home, managing not to blow it in the third period, which apparently is the new fashion trend the Caps are trying to put forward for the winter season. Nevertheless, we at Caps Blahg remained concerned that the Caps are losing games. If the Caps want to make us happy, they need to not lose. Here are a few pointers for them to follow for the rest of the games this week.

1. Against the New York Islanders

If they lose to the New York Failanders (AGAIN!), then sorrow drinking will commence and not let up until we have to clean up nicely for Thanksgiving. Just because they have young-punk John Tavares doesn’t make them good. Rumor has it the team is getting moved to Kansas City anyway (if this happens, there is only one logical choice for their new name (very end of the clip, classic movie)), so the Caps should crush them with the revamped Tomas Fleischmann and the sexy young-gun Mathieu Perreault, who we consider to be a French-Canadian Nicklas Backstrom.

2. Against the Minnesota Wild

They have the other Backstrom, an evil Finnish false-idol cashing in on the superior Backstrom’s good name. Caps, if you have any support for our Swedish superstar, make the Wild look as boring as the state of Minnesota and run train on them. As another famous Minnesotaite said, “I met [the Caps] on the ice/ violating Chris Hickey.”

3. Against the New Jersey Devils

Don’t give me all that bullshit about how New Jersey is a good team and they beat the Caps recently and they win stuff occasionally. They’re from Jersey, and that shames everyone. Don’t give grease bags anything, especially wins. Put a few Jagerbombs in their locker-room before the game, and we’ll be set.

The next broadcast is this Saturday the 14th of November. As always, we’ll be commenting on the game and drinking a lot, so tune in and help us make it a much better show. We’re trying to replace blogtv with a service where you don’t have to sign in to comment, but until that time, simply come back here and be amazed at our new streaming video plugin.

The Caps have lost two straight, which in the Caps Blahg universe, means that there is a strong possibility that the season is over. Unless they can pull out of this slump and start winning every single game by a huge margin, they might not make the playoffs.

Meanwhile, Alex Ovechkin continues to preform at a level that makes our panties wet, with 14 goals and nine assists. However, he apparently got injured in the second period of the overtime loss to the Columbus Blue Jackoffs on Sunday. If he actually got injured and isn’t just a little sore, we may have to resort to extreme measures to save this season.

In any case, more viewers means more prize giveaways. You want this as much if not more than we do, so tune in this Wednesday Nov. 4th at 7 PM EST for Caps commentary against those filthy New Jersey Devils. It’s humpday, so make the rest of the week easier with Caps Blahg.

Although this website, like the Death Star, is currently not fully operational, it will conquer the hockey commentary galaxy when it becomes complete. All those who help this fantasy to become a reality will be justly rewarded, probably in the form of fast food coupons or alcohol, or maybe even tickets to a genuine Caps game if you really help out. We are currently ten games into the season, and the Caps are doing pretty good at 6-2-2 (6 wins, 2 losses, two overtime losses). We’re first in the division and second in the conference behind those asshole Pittsburgh Penguins.

We at Caps Blahg have been prevented from broadcasting and helping out our beloved Caps due to swine flu (seriously) and various other things that stopped us from having a show for stupid reasons. Nevertheless, we’re preparing for a glorious season full of Ovechkin shaming all other players and Theodore flopping like a Kevin Costner movie. While we may be down on the Caps at times and declare the season to be over after a few minutes of terrible play in the first period, we love our team (deep down) and want them to succeed so that we can experience the glory of the best Cup in the best city in the 2nd/3rd best nation. This will happen, and Caps Blahg will be there, screaming at the TV and shooting off fireworks and drinking heavily.

In any case, the season is just starting, and it’s unpredictable as ever. The Caps are on a four-game winning streak but have been barely winning some of these games against terrible teams, mostly in overtime or shootouts. You know how when you get a fancy-ass cell phone but your asshole service provider (AT&T) makes the service plan that would make it even better outrageously expensive so you have to settle for something that doesn’t let your phone be as awesome as it could be? That’s the Caps right now. A 5-4 win is a win, but a 5-0 win is better and makes us feel good in the morning.

In any case, we’ll keep you updated as often as possible. Don’t forget to tune in on Thursday the 29th at 7pm for our coverage against the Atlanta Thrashers. They kind of suck, so this should be a good game if we win and a horrible game if we lose. See you there!

Ovechkin 49:5: Though the Cup be not gathered, yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Caps, and my stick shall be my strength.

For some reason, we have two blogs, but only one of which we can make the updates we want on, so it might take us awhile to get shit figured out. If we have to start a completely new blog, I’ll be pissed. Is there any way to transfer a different blog to this current domain name (capsblahg.com)?